I work with installing and configuring software products. The following “documentation” on backup procedures for an imaginary software system called “Wolfram Idea Management” came to me in the half asleep/half awake stage just after waking up, but kind of before realizing it has happened.
And, no, I hope this has never happened for real! If there is a Wolfram Idea Management system out there, any likeness to that system is coincidental even if per chance the following document could have been ripped out of that software package’s manual pages – then any likenesses are still just coincidental. I’m just that good! (No I do not work with a system called Wolfram… Although the phrase “backing up concerned files” do come from work…)
Wolfram Idea
Management® Software
Backing up concerned files
Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!
ONLY RUN THE PREPACKED BACKUP COMMAND IN WOLFRAM® WHEN BACKING UP FILES!
The command is named “calli-fuckyou-fornia-dream.exe“
For the long explanation read the below text.
Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!
Please! Please! Please! Read the whole document before you backup the system!
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO READ THE WHOLE DOCUMENT BEFORE YOU BACKUP THE SYSTEM!
Disclaimer
Wolfram Idea Management Software® or its product Wolfram Idea Management® cannot be held responsible. We will not bore you or offend you by listing all different scenarios where we cannot be held responsible such as electrical incidents, water catastrophes, your dog eating the software, invasions of flesh eating plants, rebirth of Velociraptors, The Mother Of All Hangovers, Giant Ants etc etc etc. Instead we just come clean about it. We cannot be held responsible. The fact that we are writing this text in one huge paragraph does not have anything to do with the fact that our high school English teachers tried to throw us out the window when we presented our English papers – they resigned and threw themselves out the window instead … and they say lack of exercising and over consumption of Chips and Soda is bad for you? No, we write this text in one long paragraph with the hope that you will give up reading the text halfway through and just press the “Accept” button. Not that we are trying to hide anything in this text, well then part from the fact that this text actually contains nothing of value and that we have no clue what we are talking about, but read the first sentence in the disclaimer one more time and it will all become clear to you.
Thanks for your time and patience.
Backing up concerned files
It is imperative that you backup (please read the whole document before you do) all concerned files (and no other files) before you perform several important functions in Wolfram Idea Management®. Some of these functions are:
- Installing new Modules
- Upgrading the Software
- You should also have daily backups running
- You should probably back up the system before you shut it down
- …or start it up
- In fact, it’s probably best to keep the backups running back to back…
MAKE SURE YOU CAN RECOVER THE FILES!
We cannot understate this…
MAKE SURE YOU CAN RECOVER THE FILES!
You will need it!
Wolfram Idea Management Systems® require competent users in order to function properly. Please read the whole document on backup management before performing any backups!
Do not, I repeat, do not just make the backups!
Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!
Only ever backup the concerned files!
Never ever ever backup any other files!
THE SYSTEM WILL KNOW IF YOU DO!
Before Peter, our Technical lead and head programmer went on his “sabbatical” he told me about the backup routines that needed to be in place in order to keep Wolfram® running. I, being a mere mortal and not even half as genial as Peter, can only guess exactly what the reason for this is, but hey! I only work here, and when I go home I do not want to be haunted by crap that happened at work!
So anyway, as I’ve understood it we’re only talking about CONCERNED files here.
I asked Peter how to know what files were concerned and … well here’s an excerpt from that mail conversation:
What the **** man? Are you a ******* Inglorious Retard? ******* don’t ******* ask me about ******* concerned files! They are all concerned at one time or an other! Do you ******* get me? ****! I have to ******* take care of ******* every ******* thing all the ******* time! ****!
So the ******* concerned files are the ******* files with UPPER CASE. Exclamation marks are also not uncommon. They can also have a “.HELP”-extension. If a whole folder of files are concerned at the same time there may be a “RESCUE.US” or “HELP.US” or similar file in the folder.
Hey! I got a great idea for a Concerned Files Management module! I think this one could sell pretty big! Would you call up Tom and tell him to get going on a draft. I’ll be back shortly, just have to finish with my doctor first. (He’s looking at me right now, strange dude!)
Anyway.
There’s one thing you ******* just ******* have to ******* get into your ******* thick skull. Don’t ******* ever ******* never ******* ever go ******* backup the ******* enraged or p*ssed off files! Do you get me? ******* don’t you ******!
That means concerned files…:
- …have upper case letters in their names
- …have exclamation marks in their names
- …have a “.HELP” extension
- …are located in a folder with a “RESCUE.US” or “HELP.US” file or any other kind of plea-for-help/mercy-file
And when I asked him how to know what files were enraged or “pissed off” he… sent me another mail:
What the **** ******* **** is wrong with you you ******* **** ******* **** ant! Don’t you ******* listen at ******* all! ONLY the ******* concerned files, no ******* other file! YOU MORON!
A few mails back and forth later:
Okey, **********, so the p*ssed off files are bolded, or typed with red font or if there are more then 3 exclamation marks I’d stay clear of them. They may also have a “.****-OFF” or “.EAT-****” file extension.
Also they may be vibrating. In that case close the folder immediately, in fact, shut the whole system down until it’s stopped vibrating.
If several files are p*ssed off at the same time they’re located in a folder with a file named “****.YOU” or “EAT.****”.
Now for the enraged files (I can’t ******* believe THIS is something you have to ask me about, I mean how ******* retarded can you get?) The enraged files have fangs! So ******* go figure! And they snarl. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out does it? IF THEY HAD A TAIL IT WOULD NOT BE WAGGING!
Christ!
So in short, “pissed off” files…:
- …have bold file names…
- …are typed with red (?!) font
- …have more than three exclamation marks (in the name)
- …have the file extension “.FUCK-OFF” or “.EAT-SHIT” (at least that’s what Peter yelled when I called to confirm… he also told me I had myself to blame for installing the censoring software on the mail server)
- …are located in a folder with a file named “FUCK.YOU” or “EAT.SHIT” (see above)
- …in fact I think any file with a four letter word (or several) in its name should be considered “pissed off”
Enraged files (those are very rare!)…:
- …have fangs
- …snarl
- …would not be wagging their tail if they had one
There seems to be other types of files too, but as far as I’ve understood they’re not much trouble until they get concerned, “pissed off” or enraged.
UPDATE: A poll among Wolfram Idea Management Software®’s users reveal that this problem seems to be very rare. As far as I’ve understood no real user has ever seen an enraged file. However there are a few “pissed off” files and a considerable number of concerned files in the system.
Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!
This part of the document is REALLY important!!!!!
Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!
As far as I’ve understood it you cannot just go and backup the files. Peter puts it like this in one of his support conversations (I am so glad I installed the censoring software in the mail server, however I still think this particular customer saw it fit to take their business elsewhere… I guess some people just don’t appreciate genius…):
What the **** are you ******* doing backing up the ******* files you ******* **** ******! Who the ******* **** told you to ******* back up the ******* files? Are you a ******* file copying ****** pedophile too? I bet as soon as you ******* get a ******* urge you go home and ******* *** **** your ******* ugly mother!
You don’t ******* ever ever ever use the ******* backup command! You can’t ******* let the files know you’re ******* backing them up you ******* ****!
I bet you tried to back up the p*ssed off and enraged files as well? Didn’t you you little **** ******* *****!
Well good for you, now go **** you wife’s ******* chiwawa pet dog you ******* animal ******!
It is, at this writing, unclear exactly what the effect of backing up files other than concerned files would be, but it seems backing up the files in the system in the right way is really serious business!
I asked him how to go about keeping the files from “knowing” (I think there’s some kind of FileSystemWatcher function in the system…) that they are being backed up:
What the ******* **** is your *********** ******* retard moron problem you *********** ******* ************ *********** ******?
I told you I renamed the “copy” command to “move”. That way the files will think they are going to be moved off the system. Once they realize they aren’t you can always tell them their clones are living happily in Copyland.
Don’t ******* ever ******* tell them ******* they were ******* backed up. If they get that they’re all going to be p*ssed off or even enraged and then you’re ******!
Oh, and for clarity and simplicity I also renamed the “move” command to “copy”. That way things work like you expect, but like in a mirror… You’ll get the hang of it!
After some pressuring from our customers Peter made a backup program called “calli-fuckyou-fornia-dream.exe” it is recommended that this program is used to perform all backups in order to avoid problems.
However there seems to be some features missing in this program why it’s important to make manual inspections of the backups from time to time.
Peter puts it like this:
Those ******* impotent *********** ******* *********** at that ******* *********** **** hole of a fckign *********** **** ***** of a company called ******* Microsoft are ******* complete ******* *********** and ******* ***** all of the ******* lot of them!
They ******* closed my feature request MSS-3564-2098-7624-5632-4907 “Implementing IsVibrating and Color for Files in C#”.
What the **** is the ******* problem with these ******* *********** ******* ********? What the **** do I have to go over there and ******* do the ******* programming myself?
I’m not the ******* *********** ****** that implement the ******* vibrations and colors in the ******* first ******* place and who the ******* *********** ******* **** in their right ******* *********** ******* mind goes and ******* implements fangs in a ******* file system?
**** THOSE ******* ********** IMPOTENT PSYCHOPATHS!!!!
All in all, performing backups in a correct and safe manner will ensure you many joyful hours with Wolfram Idea Management!
Thanks for purchasing the product and supporting further development!
Wolfram Idea Management Systems® are actively taking part in the new fabulous Ingenious Wave taking place right now allover the world. We strive to make Ingenious Software, and in general we’re geniuses already from the start so we have a good head start on the competition! Wolfram Idea Management Systems® is a forerunner in Idea Management. Wolfram Idea Management Systems® are the only system you need! With our modules for Bookkeeping, Taxes, Instant Messaging, Warehouse Management, Laundry Management, E-mail Management, Calendar Management, Infant/Pet Surveillance and Management, File Distribution and Storage Management, On-line Banking Management, Stock Analysis Management, Coupon and Sales Management, On-line Shopping Management and many many more you have all your needs covered in one neat package! We are also serious about the environment and we have several Ingenious Programs for managing our carbon dioxide footprint, such as our Buddy Lights Out Programs and Telecommuting Programs.